It's time to come out of the closet...

We (Neal and I) are leaving for CANCUN tomorrow! Can't wait to get out of this nasty weather. When we return, I am going to be making my blog private. Sooooo, if you would like to still view our blog, please leave me your email address...EVEN if you are a blurker, I myself am a blurker and I am totally fine granting access to blurkers, I just want to know WHO is looking at my blog, hence why I am going private. Hope you all have a lovely week and I'll see you when we return...

Eight Months...Are you KIDDING me?!?!?

Pictures to come...
Ryder is 8 months old! I can't believe it! He is SUCH a big boy. Not physically by any means, but, he has TWO bottom teeth that FINALLY broke all the way through this past week, he can stand up on ANYTHING and he wants to walk SOOO-O bad. He will let go with one hand and then lose his balance and fall. He has some perma bruises on his forehead that he has been sporting for the last couple of weeks. He still LOVES to eat, he is starting to really enjoy toys and LOVES his little reading chair and Leapfrog learning table. He loves ELMO! Both Gage and Boe loved Elmo so we have a bunch of toys from them, Ryder LOVES him too. Everytime he sees an elmo toy, he gets really excited and just goes for it. He is a great sleeper and is on an awesome schedule. Two naps in the day (LONG naps :) and sleeping through the night from about 8:00 on. We sure do love our little Ryder-Roo. I sure do wish I could freeze time, but so far haven't been able to figure that one out!

Reflections

I have been thinking a lot lately about life, about who I am as a person and just about a bunch of stuff in general. Let me start off by saying that this is probably gonna be lllloooonnnggg, so if you don't want to continue on, feel free to stop reading now. This is my journal of sorts and I do much better at typing out a journal these days then by sitting down and writing in one. So here goes.

I have a dear friend who lost her mom to cancer on the day that Ryder was born. Each month that goes by, I remember that Ryder is getting bigger and it's another month that has passed since my friend's mom left the earth. What a perfect example of the circle of life. As I was welcoming a new life into this world, a wonderful family was saying good-bye to their mom as she left this world for another. I get chills every time I think of it.

I have always thought that birth and death were very similar, but I had never experienced watching someone die until I watched my mom pass away. A little over three years later, I gave birth to my first baby since her passing. As I was in labor and awaiting the birth of my new little baby, I finally was able to connect the two life/death events that we go through on this earth. As I was waiting to welcome my little Ryder, I believe that others were getting ready to say good-bye to him for a time,(I especially like to think that my mom and brother were waiting with him until it was his turn). As my friend and her family were bidding a sorrowful good-bye to their mom, other's were anxiously awaiting her return to the other side. I am not trying to simplify the pain and grief that goes with losing one's mother or anyone we love for that matter. Believe me I know that there is no way to explain the hurt and ache that accompanies the loss of a loved one. It is an ache and a loss that is so profound that I cannot explain it with words, however, if I can take a step back and look at the big picture and connect that two events together, it really helps me to understand and perhaps even accept the sorrows of this earth.

Another friend from high school lost her mom our junior year. She and I have reconnected on face book(gotta love the good ol' FB!) and she found out that I had lost my mom. She wrote me the nicest message and recommended that I read a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edeleman. I checked it out and just finished reading it and it was a great book. For the first time since my mom died, I felt fully validated. I realized that ALL the things I was feeling and going through were normal and not only normal but that I HAD to go through these feelings in order for me to move on and get past my mom's death and the loss of losing my mother. Hope Edelman lost her mother when she was 17 years old. She said she looked for years for a book explaining the impact that a mother's loss has on her daughter and couldn't find one so she wrote it herself. She interviewed hundreds of women across the US who had lost their mothers and found that regardless of the circumstances surrounding the mother's death, all motherless daughters go through the same feelings of helplessness, grief and feeling lost. As I read about other women who had lost their mothers and how they felt and even ways they reacted to the loss, I FINALLY realized after FOUR years that I was normal, that I was okay in my actions and feelings that that most importantly, I was not alone.

Losing my mom is a part of who I am. It is as much a part of me as is the fact that I have blond hair and brown eyes, as much a part of me as my hand is as much a part of me as my personality is, it is part of who makes me, me. I am definitely a different person since my mom's diagnosis and subsequent death. I don't know how you can lose someone who is apart of you and not change. Since I was 15 years old and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I felt different and like I didn't quite fit in with everyone else. When my mom died, that isolation grew and even though I have the GREATEST friends and family in the world, I felt alone and like I didn't have a place. (Please know that I am not putting any blame on anyone other then me. I felt like an outsider because I made myself an outsider, not because of ANYTHING ANYONE did or did not do) I had more support, love and service done to me during this time then at any other point in my life, but I felt so alone. I now realize that that is totally normal and that it is OKAY that my mom's death helps to define who I am as a person. My challenge now is to not let it be the ONLY thing that defines me. I have to try everyday to not be angry or sad or bitter.

I have to remember the good and look back and see the Lord's hand so prevalent in my life. I know that during these most difficult times in my life that He truly carried me, I know this because if He wouldn't have been carrying me, I would have fallen. I could not have gotten up on my own. I also know that without my friends and my family, especially Neal, I NEVER would have gotten through this dark, lonely, horrible time. During the summer of 2007, I was in such a dark, lonely and scary place, that I sometimes look back and wonder how I got out of it and WHY Neal didn't leave me ;) but you know, I am grateful that I went through that time. I am thankful that there was a time of such immense darkness that now I am so incredibly grateful for the light I see on most days.

These are just a few of my random thoughts. I wanted to write them down and even share them with all of you. I have learned something from each of you who read my blog and who's blogs I read. I am seriously so thankful for all of you and the influence you have had on me. Via blogging, I have met so many people that I wouldn't have otherwise. One of my BLENDS (blogging friends) lost not only her mom but also a sister. How ironic is that? Do you know how much strength and support I get from her and reading her blog? I have several friends who have lost their mom's as well and it's so refreshing to be able to talk to someone who you KNOW understands EXACTLY what you are saying. I have so many friends who have such a great perspective on life and who have gone through some incredible trials that I would NEVER want and they help remind me that it could always be worse and we all have things that we need and can handle.

Thanks for reading (if anyone is still here :) Thanks for your friendship and support. I truly appreciate it and it helps to make me who I am.

My BIG LITTLE Boy...

I can't believe how fast Gage is growing up. He is six and a half. He is just about done with Kindergarten. He is getting so good at reading and he LOVES math. He is playing his second year of baseball and is getting so much better. He is getting into video games (I tried my damnedest to keep them away for as long as I could) and is very good at figuring out pretty much any game. He is super smart with anything electronic and I am embarrassed to admit that HE shows ME how to work toys and the TV. He is such a sweet, sensitive little boy and he ALWAYS gives me hugs and tells me that he loves me. Look at the size of his hands in comparison to mine! He's gonna be as big as me in a few years. The other day Boe said to me, "mom, I just wish we could stay how we are right now forever..." I have to say that I TOTALLY agree. All three of my kids are at such great ages right now. Not TOO little and not TOO big. *SIGH* As hard as I am trying, I can't seem to stop time and keep them where they are. But, I am enjoying them immensely and I love them to pieces.

Can I just say...

that prayer time around our house is a JOKE?!?!? I know that I shouldn't, but I find it HI-LARIOUS! It reminds me of growing up and my sister Ashlee would ALWAYS make my little brother laugh when we were trying to say prayers at bedtime. He would start giggling and then I would start, to this day if someone is laughing, I can't control myself, I laugh too, then Karidee would usually start then Kaylee would join in, ineveitably my mom would be laughing under her breath and then last but not least, my dad MAY crack a smile, but try to pass it off as being annoyed :). Sometimes family prayers would go on for an hour or longer. Looking back, it's times like those I remember and miss.

So, the other night we were trying to say prayers. Gage was saying his and Ryder kept pulling himself up to stand on the side of the bed and would start laughing hysterically. Gage got started then me (ofcourse) then Boe and in true "DAD" form, Neal cracked a smile and EVEN joined in. We sat Ryder down and told Gage to start again, Ryder pulled himself BACK up and started at it again, and the same chaos exploded again. I was DYING laughing. I couldn't stop. We ended up wrestling and playing in the kids room for over an hour. We finally got them settled down and in bed. The next morning at breakfast, Boe said to me, "mom do you know what I LOVED? I LOVED prayers last night, it was SOOO fun and I love our family."

These kinds of moments truly make my day.

Public Service Announcement...

Soooo, when we bought this house, there was a major misunderstanding with the stove. Suffice it to say, I didn't want their old nasty stove, but apparently it was listed as being "included" on the MLS and we paid them what they were asking for the house and then some, so legally, they either had to "buy" the stove from us or leave it. They left it. Since then, I have been conveting other, beautiful new stoves, so much so that I haven't really taken the time to properly care for and maintain this stove.

This is strange in that I am a total CLEAN FREAK. Obsessively so, but when it has come to this stove, I just felt bitter. Anyways, last week, I'd had enough. I bought some "EASY OFF" industrial strength stuff and went to work...well, let me let these pictures speak for themselves...I followed all the instructions. I wore those cute plastic yellow gloves that I remember my mom wearing when she'd clean the toilets, I was very careful to not get any on my skin etc. As I was cleaning out the gunk, Boe spilled his milk (ofcourse he did, this is a multipletimesadayoccurance at our house :) and I took the gloves off to clean up the milk. When I was finished, I put them back on.

APPARENTLY a small speck of cleaner made it's way on the INSIDE of my glove...this is the result...I am not kidding. Holy cow people, this stuff BURNED off the first layer of my skin AND the worst thing about it is that I didn't EVEN feel it until it was already burning through the skin. It felt like I had just gotten bit by a mesquito of something. CRAZY!
I called Poison Control and they told me that they have tried for years to get this stuff taken off the market. She told me that if she were me and had small children in her home, she'd THROW the stuff away and only buy it when needed. She also said that if this crap is ingested, it is EXTREMELY serious and can and has in fact been lethal. LETHAL. So, I am doing just that. It's not worth $4 to keep this stuff in my house. Bye Bye Easy Off.
The one bright spot of the event is that my oven looks BRAND NEW! I may even be able to stand it for a bit longer until I can get my beautiful stainless steel DOUBLE OVEN that I am drooling over :)

Going Private...

I have thought about this LONG and HARD...I am going to be making my blog private on April 1st. If you would like to still view it send me your email address. It just freaks me out that anyone can google my name and my blog pulls up w/my kids names, birthdays, the city we live in etc. Just too much information out there. I only want the people I approve to be able to see into the lives of me and my family. Soooo, I am sorry for the hassle, but let me know if you'd like an invite. You can either leave a message here or email me at amgatherum29@gmail.com. Thanks!

Remembering...

Today is the 3 year anniversary of my brother's death. It's crazy, some days I look at the last 3 years and think, "where did it go?" and other times I wonder how in the world could it ONLY have been 3 years and HOW am I going to make it through the next 50+ years of my life before I get to see him again. I miss him, I miss my family the way it used to be, the way it was when things were "normal" and I would give anything if life were the way it was 5 years ago. It's crazy the things that hindsight teaches you. Five years ago, our family was struggling with two terminally ill people and it was pretty stressful and crazy, however, when I look back at it, I wish I would have taken advantage of having my family all together, regardless of what the circumstances were at the time.

If I have learned anything in this journey, it is that I need to enjoy the moment and not wish the time away. No matter what current circumstances are. Like, right now, who cares that I spent ALL afternoon cleaning my house and there is hostess cupcake smeared ALL over the tile in the kitchen...it'll wash and in a few years from now, I'm gonna be wishing that I could hear those two little voices talking my ear off and see those two sweet faces smudged with chocolate.

Anyways, today I am going to remember Nathaniel and in honor of him, I'm going to remember the lessons his passing has taught me and remember to live in the moment and cherish it all. Love you Nathan...