it's SO coming and i am SO scared..

...well, here we are...just waiting, and waiting and...you get the picture of what life is like right now. i am so excited, my kids are SO excited--mostly to have their mom back ;) but i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO scared. i SWEAR this isn't my fourth kid, i feel like it is my first all over again, well, except that the uncomfortableness is SO MUCH WORSE because i am 7 1/2 years older then i was the first time i did this and well, lot's of other things, but still, i am scared. i am going to do this au natural again and honestly, i am PETRIFIED this time around. mostly i think, because now i KNOW what is coming. i KNOW the pain, i KNOW the discomfort and i KNOW how freaking SCARY it is to push out a watermelon without ANY pain medication. i also KNOW i can do it and i KNOW it is the ONLY way (for me) to go, but i am pretty terrified. it's all good though, i know i can do it and i will and it will end up being an awesome experience. we have DELIBERATED over names for the ENTIRE nine months of this pregnancy...we have gone back and forth and back and forth....i think we have FINALLY settled on the following:

Mason Powell
Lucy Page

both pay homage to our FAVORITE vacation spot of all time and both are names we agree on and like. we each have our own individual names that we L.O.V.E but the other one H.A.T.E.S them so they just don't work. hence, we had to throw our personal faves out the window and start from scratch with mutually agreed upon names for this little babe.

at my appt. today i was dilated to *almost* a 4 and 70% effaced...we shall see if i make it to the 15th...i am contracting like crazy and i don't think i have ever gone into an induction this far advanced so i am kind of NOT planning on making it to my date which at this point is FINE with me! the baby is weighing in at just over 6 pounds, so it's a small, but decent sized little thing as of right now.

can i just say again that i kinda *think* it may be a girl? i have NEVER REALLY THOUGHT that any of my babes were of the girl variety, but for some reason, i keep having girl thoughts on this one. we shall see. i am HONESTLY and TRULY fine with whatever the outcome is and i am completely at peace with the fact that my family will be complete with the birth of this baby. (I KNOW I SAID THAT WITH RYDER, but really peeps, i TRIED to convince myself and just could not, HOWEVER, once i was pregnant with this little person, i just knew, and as the nine months have progressed, that knowledge has just grown and been reaffirmed over and over again-just to clarify!) anyways, only SIXTEEN days left---i honestly CANNOT wait!

37 (ish) week update...

i know, my baby countdown is off by a week or so, they have changed my due date back and forth several times, i finally just settled on the 15th of july for an induction and don't really keep track of exactly how far along i am. HOWEVER, i CAN tell you that i have 20 days! i cannot wait! at my appointment this week i was 3 cm dilated and 60% effaced. that would make most woman HAPPY HAPPY and they would assume that labor was imminent, however, i have gone into two of my three inductions at a 3 and 80% and have STILL had to be induced with pitocin. so, i am just assuming that i am not going to come on my own, which is fine because it means i get to maintain my controlfreakness and plan everything out. we have bought newborn clothes (for both sexes), diapers, blankets, wipes--you know, all the basics. my projects this weekend are to finish up all the last little details of things around the yard and house, wash my car, clean out the nursery and then just WAIT....i have been having contractions like crazy, i don't remember if i had them this bad with the others, but in the back of my mind i am thinking there is a *chance* that i am going to come on my own BEFORE the 15th. wait and see is the game we will be playing at the gatherum house for the next little bit!

my three little guys...and the big one too!

here i am playing catch-up AGAIN!!! oh well, better late then never i suppose. i decided that instead of going backwards, i am just going to move forward...birthdays, christmas, new years and everything else before, after and in-between will just not get blogged this year...
my kids are all at such fun ages, there are so many things i don't want to forget about them RIGHT NOW so i thought i'd do a bit of catch-up on each of them...

GAGE----
at 7 1/2...he is in the 1st grade, has mrs. durrant whom he LOVES, is doing amazing at reading and math and generally loves school. he has lots of friends both boys and girls, though based on the love letters that get sent home to our house, i think the girls have a different idea about their friendships with gage then he does! gage started soccer up again and did AWESOME! we had him try out for a competition team and he made it! he will soon start the U8 academy with USA soccer. they will have practice twice a week for the whole summer and will then play as a team this coming fall season. it is SO fun to watch his games and he has become a very good, very aggressive (in a good way) offensive player. gage LOVES to watch tv and play video games, therefore we have to put time restrictions on these activities, otherwise, he would do them both ALL DAY LONG!!! gage loves to play outside with friends, ride bikes, run around, jump on the tramp and play on the swings. he also L.O.V.E.S. to read and will ask to stay up late reading in his bed. we recently switched the rooms up in preparation for the baby and gage now has his own room which he is very excited about. i honestly can't believe that he is almost EIGHT years old-it blows my mind. gage is a great eater and will pretty much eat anything except tomatoes. his favorite foods are pizza, cereal and sandwiches and anything i cook ;) he is learning to play chess and recently participated in a multi-school chess tournament. he would like to start tumbling lessons so he can learn to do back handsprings and flips on the tramp. the trait i most appreciate in gage is his ability to examine a situation and act accordingly. he is very sensitive to others feelings and cares about his friends and family.

Boe----
at six. boe is still my most energetic kid. he is ALWAYS happy--he is ALWAYS willing to help out and he loves to please. boe is in kindergarten and has mrs. winegar whom he loves. he has made lots of new little friends and LOVES to have playdates. he is reading so well and is working on his handwriting (poor kid got his mom and dad's genes and is LEFT-HANDED). boe has been taking violin lessons for the past 4 months and is doing awesome! i have to say, it is sometimes a challenge to teach my own child, but for the most part we get along and it works. boe has also been playing soccer again and did great this year. we signed him up for the pre-competitive academy (you have to be seven to be on the comp team) and he hopes to make the comp team next year. boe is determined and aggressive and LOVES to win. he has become an excellent dribbler this past season and loves to make break aways during games. boe is a TERRIBLE eater, something we have been working on since he was about six months old. he is getting a *little* bit better but unless dinner is VERY basic, it is a fight to get him to eat. his favorite foods are grilled cheese sandwiches, tacos, spaghetti and cereal. boe is an awesome big brother to ryder and they are best little friends. in the recent room switch, boe and ryder became roommates. they LOVE it and i often find ryder in boe's bed or vice versa in the morning. ryder is going to have withdrawals next year when boe is in school full-time. the trait i most admire in boe is his ability to ALWAYS be happy. he looks for the positive in every situation and it takes a lot to get him down. he is mine and neal's little buddy and loves to shadow us throughout the day.

Ryder----
at 23 months...holy cow!!! where does the time go??? i SWEAR i was just pregnant with this little guy and now he is walking, talking AND potty-training himself! ryder is so much fun. he is easy-going and for the most part extremely LOW matinience. he loves to play and cuddle and be held. we have affectionately referred to him as silent bob because until lately, he hasn't talked much. he does know a bunch of sign but as far as verbal skills, he was kind of lacking. the last couple of weeks however, he has become a talking machine. he says mommy, daddy, neal (which i think is hilarious), gage, boe, ellie (our dog), zep (our other dog), papa (grandpa for my dad), melmo (elmo), baby, baba, no, uh-oh, side(outside), milk, yes, see ya, bye bye, out, tub (bath-tub) and probably a few more that i can't think of. he can also sign most of these words which has been great to be able to communicate with him. neal is still ryder's most FAVORITE person in the world, he LOVES kitties and has the cutest meow ever. he loves animals and LOVES to be outside as much as possible. i cannot believe that we are just 1 month away from celebrating his SECOND birthday! i have so enjoyed having a baby in our house again. they are so loving and accepting and forgiving. i love the presence that follow ryder wherever he goes.

i am 36 weeks (and counting!!!!!) along---can't believe that my last pregnancy is almost over---while i can't say it has gone by particularly fast, i can say that i have *tried* to enjoy it---i don't know how successful i have been, this has not been an easy pregnancy, but i am so grateful for the opportunity to have children---since i have been feeling better the last few months, i have started to really look forward to having this baby. secretly i think it *might* be a girl, but then i just don't think that is really possible so i am planning on a boy and i have to say that i am totally happy with that if that is indeed the final outcome. i mean, come on, four cute little boys who LOVE their mommy---what more could i want or ask for---we have an induction date set for July 15th so we are just 4 SHORT weeks away from finding out what this little person is. we have a cute boy name but we are EMPTY in the girl name department...

neal is still super busy--i have no idea how he handles all the balls he has up in the air at any given time, but somehow he always does and always ends up doing amazing at everything--he is my hero. he was recently promoted at work and now holds the title of SALES MANAGER for the LAMAR office in Salt Lake! this is a huge opportunity for him and he is doing great at it. with the promotion comes a lot of added time and stress, but i don't know anyone else who can handle stress as well as him. he NEVER (well, RARELY) takes it out on me and the kids, he leaves work at work and comes home to us and is the biggest help to me. there is no way i could have made it through the first 4 months of this pregnancy without him. he picked up all of my slack and then some and helped keep everything running smoothly. he's the best. he recently went through a mid-life crisis and bought himself a motorcycle. i am still on the fence on this one. i have been SO against it for so long, but he has wanted one for FOREVER and you know, who am i to squash his dreams--so after much um debating and discussion, we were able to come to a compromise that we were both happy with and voila! neal is now the *PROUD* owner of a Suzuki Boulevard. ask him about it next time you see him, he is practically GIDDY and for a fairly emotion free guy, that's saying A LOT!!! today is our NINE year anniversary! can't believe how the time flies by. we have had our ups and downs, some of them caused by circumstances out of our control and some caused by mistakes that we have made, i hope that at the end of it all, these hills and valleys have made us stronger then we were when we started out on this journey. i KNOW that there isn't anyone else i would rather be on this trip with. love ya sweetcakes.

well, now that this sounds like a chrismas card letter or something, i feel pretty caught up on our lives. i am very happy where we are. i am LOVING life in my thirties and i can't wait to see what the next THIRTY TWO years have in store for us---BRING IT ON!!!

half a decade...

has passed since this lady left us here on earth. sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like years and years. time does heal all wounds though, i have learned that over these last five years. i also have learned that if you let yourself go thru the grieving process and take it step by step, you get better, you are able to move on and if you let it, the process can make you a better not bitter person. i am not saying that it hasn't been or isn't a very difficult, long road. there were times when i felt, truly felt, that i was drowning and that i would never see the light of the sun again. there were nights(and days)where i thought i would surely die from sadness and a broken heart. but with the help of an amazing dad, not to mention my husband(who has stuck by me THICK AND THIN) and most importantly with the help of a merciful, all-knowing God, i feel that i am on the upswing of this experience in my life. it's difficult to say and i think hard for others to understand, but i don't think i would go back and change anything. i wouldn't be where i am or WHO i am today without experiencing the things that i have in my life. it is amazing to me how many people i have met and encountered over the last 5 years who have or are going through something similar. i have gained tremendous strength from them and they have each been apart of my healing. i have definitely gained perspective. sometimes when life seems to be at it's very worst, i will meet someone who i would NEVER trade situations with and it humbles me and makes me so very grateful for the blessings i have. i know my mom is happy. i know she is whole. i know that she is still aware of me and that she is watching out for me and cheering me on in my victories, grieving with me in my pains and even chastising me in my mistakes and short comings (of which i have MANY). it took me a long time to realize that given the choice, SHE wouldn't come back, that she KNOWS she is where she is supposed to be. once i came to that conclusion though, i was able to gain a lot of comfort and peace. the last time i talked to her, she told me that everything would be okay. she told me to BE HAPPY. when i told her i couldn't be happy without her, she put her hand on my hand and squeezed it and said "yes you can, happiness is a choice." i now know that she is so right. we CHOOSE how we are going to be. situations arise and LIFE just HAPPENS, we really don't have much control over anything, but we can CHOOSE how we handle the things that are given to us. i am trying hard to CHOOSE HAPPINESS just like my mom told me to. so, today on the five year anniversary of her death, i am choosing to be happy, choosing to remember her and the amazing woman she was and still is and choosing to appreciate the blessings i have so abundantly in my life. love and miss you mom....

it's boe's birthday, shout HURRAY!!!

my little boe-boe turned six yesterday, june 7. we had a FULL, FUN weekend celebrating and wrapped up the festivities last night. i only let my kids have friend parties every other year starting at six, so boe was SO EXCITED to have all his friends come over for a STAR WARS party.

it was a C.R.A.Z.Y day. we had gage's soccer game at 10:00, boe's party from 12:00-2:00, boe's soccer game at 3:00, family dinner at 5:30 and the family birthday party at 7:00! seriously insane, but it all turned out great and i was glad to get it all over with in one day. my dad is a STAR WARS fan-atic and surprised my kids on Halloween by dressing up like Darth Vader (in the COOLEST DV costume EVER) so pretty much from there on, boe decided he wanted granpa kent to be darth vatder at his party. my dad was SOOO nice to oblige and he and kim pretty much spent the day at our house (i so don't know how i would have done it all without their help, thank you thank you---soooo much!)

anyways, so we had the kids come over at noon. we started with lunch, space dogs in a blanket, vader's tators, succulent space spheres (cut-up fruit), yoda soda and leia's light saber cake & ice cream. while the kids were eating, DV showed up and let me just say their reactions were great. they LOVED it. after lunch, we had set up some fun game stations: Space ball saver (gave the kids each a pool noodle (light saber) and they had to keep balloons up in the air w/out letting them drop to the ground), orbital rotation station (hula hooping to music), vying for vader (shoot a life sized poster of DV w/silly string while blindfolded-this was for sure the HIT game of the party), capture vader (wrap each other up w/toilet paper), battle with the dark side (battle DV w/their sabers), jedi id station (i took pics of each kid w/DV, had neal go develop them at the store during the party and had the kids decorate a picture frame, then sent home the picture w/them as part of their party favors), and jedi training(DV put on a little light saber performance for the kids and gave them some tips to becoming brave jedis).

we wrapped the party up with presents and cake and then sent the little cuties on their way. it was a lot of work but oh so fun! i love seeing my kids happy--i will say that i have decided that taking a bunch of kids somewhere for a party is probably A LOT less work and i am going to HIGHLY suggest this to gage this year ;). thanks for all the amazing gifts from our friends and family-boe scored big time and his older brother is just a wee bit jealous!
sunday we spent the day putting together some of boe's new legos, boe LOST his first tooth and both the tooth fairy AND the birthday fairy made appearances at our house that night. (the bday fairy at our house comes and decorates the birthday boys' door to his room with streamers, my kids L.O.V.E this simple little tradition.)Monday we celebrated by playing ALL.DAY.LONG. i told boe he could do whatever he wanted. we went to McDonald's and pretty much played legos the rest of the day. it was great, a good excuse to not do any housework and to just enjoy my little boy, who is getting to be not so little anymore. boo.

happy happy birthday boe-boe. here are my top SIX things i LOVE about boe...
*he is so happy-this is not an exaggeration, he is a happy, sweet little person.
*he is nice to EVERYONE. you don't even know how many mom's love boe to play with their younger kids, he is so sweet to them.
*he is super witty and sarcastic. it is hilarious to get him going. he totally "gets" adult humor.
*he LOVES his mom and dad. he is our super amazing helper. always right there with me doing laundry or weeding the yard, always helping neal move dirt etc. and the conversations during these times are priceless.
*i love his innocence. yesterday while we were putting legos together, he blurted out "so when am i going to get my wishes, my money and ds games?" i looked at him kind of funny, not getting what he was saying and he said, "you know, the things i wished for when i blew out my candles!" i just started laughing SO HARD.
*his sense of himself. he is so confident and comfortable with himself. this is a trait that a lot of adults do not have, yet my six year old has it down pat. i hope it is something he always keeps with him.
these are just my top six, there are so many other things i could write, but we'll end it there for now. Love you boe, hope your day was great! xoxoxoxox mom