Gage's Baptism

i woke up very emotional-i just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that my oldest boy was EIGHT! *the above photos were taken by my uber talented friend janelle-she is awesome
after the baptism we came back to our house for lunch. we did it OUTSIDE in our backyard-on the SIXTH of november-amazing! this weather can stick around as long as it wants to! we had so many family and friends there to support gage. it was such a great day. neal did an amazing job and i felt the spirit so strongly--it reaffirmed to me that this is what it is all about, this is why we are here on earth. it was awesome to think that gage had taken his first step to returning to Heavenly Father. the only regret i have is i didnt gt a pic of gage in his suit on his actual baptism day. oh well. a soon as we pulled into the garage he was up in his room changing inyo comfortable clothes--boy takes after his mom--i took off my high heeled boots in exchange for flip flops as soon as i could!

Lucy's Blessing

we blessed lucy on september 5. it was such a great day. in that i am only going to have one little girl, i decided to bless her in my blessing dress, which was handmade by my beautiful aunt lanae. i had it restored and for being nearly 33 years old, it looked amazing. i found a vintage headband that matched it perfectly and she even wore the little slippers that i did!

Reflections

I have been thinking a lot lately about life, about who I am as a person and just about a bunch of stuff in general. Let me start off by saying that this is probably gonna be lllloooonnnggg, so if you don't want to continue on, feel free to stop reading now. This is my journal of sorts and I do much better at typing out a journal these days then by sitting down and writing in one. So here goes.

I have a dear friend who lost her mom to cancer on the day that Ryder was born. Each month that goes by, I remember that Ryder is getting bigger and it's another month that has passed since my friend's mom left the earth. What a perfect example of the circle of life. As I was welcoming a new life into this world, a wonderful family was saying good-bye to their mom as she left this world for another. I get chills every time I think of it.

I have always thought that birth and death were very similar, but I had never experienced watching someone die until I watched my mom pass away. A little over three years later, I gave birth to my first baby since her passing. As I was in labor and awaiting the birth of my new little baby, I finally was able to connect the two life/death events that we go through on this earth. As I was waiting to welcome my little Ryder, I believe that others were getting ready to say good-bye to him for a time,(I especially like to think that my mom and brother were waiting with him until it was his turn). As my friend and her family were bidding a sorrowful good-bye to their mom, other's were anxiously awaiting her return to the other side. I am not trying to simplify the pain and grief that goes with losing one's mother or anyone we love for that matter. Believe me I know that there is no way to explain the hurt and ache that accompanies the loss of a loved one. It is an ache and a loss that is so profound that I cannot explain it with words, however, if I can take a step back and look at the big picture and connect that two events together, it really helps me to understand and perhaps even accept the sorrows of this earth.

Another friend from high school lost her mom our junior year. She and I have reconnected on face book(gotta love the good ol' FB!) and she found out that I had lost my mom. She wrote me the nicest message and recommended that I read a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edeleman. I checked it out and just finished reading it and it was a great book. For the first time since my mom died, I felt fully validated. I realized that ALL the things I was feeling and going through were normal and not only normal but that I HAD to go through these feelings in order for me to move on and get past my mom's death and the loss of losing my mother. Hope Edelman lost her mother when she was 17 years old. She said she looked for years for a book explaining the impact that a mother's loss has on her daughter and couldn't find one so she wrote it herself. She interviewed hundreds of women across the US who had lost their mothers and found that regardless of the circumstances surrounding the mother's death, all motherless daughters go through the same feelings of helplessness, grief and feeling lost. As I read about other women who had lost their mothers and how they felt and even ways they reacted to the loss, I FINALLY realized after FOUR years that I was normal, that I was okay in my actions and feelings that that most importantly, I was not alone.

Losing my mom is a part of who I am. It is as much a part of me as is the fact that I have blond hair and brown eyes, as much a part of me as my hand is as much a part of me as my personality is, it is part of who makes me, me. I am definitely a different person since my mom's diagnosis and subsequent death. I don't know how you can lose someone who is apart of you and not change. Since I was 15 years old and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I felt different and like I didn't quite fit in with everyone else. When my mom died, that isolation grew and even though I have the GREATEST friends and family in the world, I felt alone and like I didn't have a place. (Please know that I am not putting any blame on anyone other then me. I felt like an outsider because I made myself an outsider, not because of ANYTHING ANYONE did or did not do) I had more support, love and service done to me during this time then at any other point in my life, but I felt so alone. I now realize that that is totally normal and that it is OKAY that my mom's death helps to define who I am as a person. My challenge now is to not let it be the ONLY thing that defines me. I have to try everyday to not be angry or sad or bitter.

I have to remember the good and look back and see the Lord's hand so prevalent in my life. I know that during these most difficult times in my life that He truly carried me, I know this because if He wouldn't have been carrying me, I would have fallen. I could not have gotten up on my own. I also know that without my friends and my family, especially Neal, I NEVER would have gotten through this dark, lonely, horrible time. During the summer of 2007, I was in such a dark, lonely and scary place, that I sometimes look back and wonder how I got out of it and WHY Neal didn't leave me ;) but you know, I am grateful that I went through that time. I am thankful that there was a time of such immense darkness that now I am so incredibly grateful for the light I see on most days.

These are just a few of my random thoughts. I wanted to write them down and even share them with all of you. I have learned something from each of you who read my blog and who's blogs I read. I am seriously so thankful for all of you and the influence you have had on me. Via blogging, I have met so many people that I wouldn't have otherwise. One of my BLENDS (blogging friends) lost not only her mom but also a sister. How ironic is that? Do you know how much strength and support I get from her and reading her blog? I have several friends who have lost their mom's as well and it's so refreshing to be able to talk to someone who you KNOW understands EXACTLY what you are saying. I have so many friends who have such a great perspective on life and who have gone through some incredible trials that I would NEVER want and they help remind me that it could always be worse and we all have things that we need and can handle.

Thanks for reading (if anyone is still here :) Thanks for your friendship and support. I truly appreciate it and it helps to make me who I am.

Can I just say...

that prayer time around our house is a JOKE?!?!? I know that I shouldn't, but I find it HI-LARIOUS! It reminds me of growing up and my sister Ashlee would ALWAYS make my little brother laugh when we were trying to say prayers at bedtime. He would start giggling and then I would start, to this day if someone is laughing, I can't control myself, I laugh too, then Karidee would usually start then Kaylee would join in, ineveitably my mom would be laughing under her breath and then last but not least, my dad MAY crack a smile, but try to pass it off as being annoyed :). Sometimes family prayers would go on for an hour or longer. Looking back, it's times like those I remember and miss.

So, the other night we were trying to say prayers. Gage was saying his and Ryder kept pulling himself up to stand on the side of the bed and would start laughing hysterically. Gage got started then me (ofcourse) then Boe and in true "DAD" form, Neal cracked a smile and EVEN joined in. We sat Ryder down and told Gage to start again, Ryder pulled himself BACK up and started at it again, and the same chaos exploded again. I was DYING laughing. I couldn't stop. We ended up wrestling and playing in the kids room for over an hour. We finally got them settled down and in bed. The next morning at breakfast, Boe said to me, "mom do you know what I LOVED? I LOVED prayers last night, it was SOOO fun and I love our family."

These kinds of moments truly make my day.

Thankful for...

His birth and all it promises us. This year, more then ever, I am looking forward to the holiday season and the peace and comfort it brings to the world as we remember and celebrate the single most important event in history.

"We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet"

Yesterday I decided to pack up the kiddos and take a ride on trax to President Hinckley's viewing. We left at about 1:45 and met Neal downtown at about 2:15. By the time we got to the Conference Center, the lines were reasonably long but not too bad. We stood outside for about a half-hour and made it inside. From there we were herded through a series of snake-shaped lines until we were ushered inside the seating arena and seated into the different sections of the middle level of the center. This process took another hour. When we were finally seated in our section, there were 8 sections ahead of us. We were told the wait from that point would be around an hour and a half to two hours. Neal needed to go back to work, he had some meetings he couldn't get out of, so he reluctantly left me with the two boys. It turned out to be fine. They were showing President Hinckley's 95th birthday celebration on the big screens and playing music. Boe fell asleep and Gage just kind of hung out. We had to make two bathroom breaks but other than that the kids were ANGELS. I have to say that I believe it was Divine Intervention (and those of you who know my kids would probably agree!)

We sat by the cutest lady and her daughter from Sugarhouse and we chatted during our, what turned out to be, very long wait. We sat and watched as the sections on the middle level completely filled up. They then began filling up the sections in the lower level. It was amazing! I couldn't believe how many people were there to honor their Prophet. Finally, after almost two and a half hours, it was our section's turn! They led us out of the arena and up the escalators. There were about 400 people in our section, and at least two other sections in front of us.

We all filed down the Hall of the Prophets on the top level of the Conference Center. As soon as we entered the hall, I can't explain the feeling that was present in the room. There were literally hundreds of people and it was absolutely silent. People had small babies and children and not one of them made a sound. There was soft, beautiful music being played and the hall is lined with busts of former prophets as well as some statues of Jesus Christ and some beautiful artwork. The feeling was undescribable. In the center of the room was the casket of the Prophet of God lying in state. The only thing that separated us from him were some red velvet ropes. We got to walk right past him and it was the most unbelievable experience I have ever had. Gage started crying and said his heart was beating "really" fast Boe was absolutely silent. They both looked at our Prophet and wanted to stay near him. It was incredible. I am sure that every single person who had the opportunity to walk past that casket was changed in some way.

President Hinckley looked so at peace and I left there wanting to be a better person and live a better life. It is amazing to me that this man even in death is still affecting people. The four hour wait was worth every second of the 30 that I got to spend in the Hall of the Prophets paying tribute to a Great Man. I will never forget it.

A Great Man...

Our cute nephew Spencer called us at about 8:30 last night to let us know that President Gordon B. Hinckley had passed away. I had a myriad of feelings run through my mind, but the thing I thought first was what a great celebration was being had in Heaven to welcome this great man home. Thank you President Hinckley for all you have done for the church and all you have done to affect people world-wide. You will be greatly missed.