The Giving Tree

last year i took my kids to the festival of trees. i was overwhelmed-oh the stories that accompany each of these beautiful trees! i called my dad as soon as i got in my car and told him that i wanted to do a tree (next year which is THIS year--follow that?!) in honor of either my mom or nathaniel. he of course agreed. we began planning our tree right then and there! the first week in january, we went to the after christmas sales and bought most of the ornaments and the tree. we decided to do one for my mom first, we wanted to capture her--she loved beautiful things, her house was always amazing, especially around the holidays-we wanted to capture "that" in her tree. all i can say is, we tried! all year we would add a bit to our display and we would talk and plan---FINALLY october rolled around and we had the decorators workshop-me, my dad and kim went to it and i was SO.EXCITED! i apologize to those of you who heard me talk about it NON-STOP but it was ALL i could focus on for those last two months---we decided to name our tree {the giving tree}. my dad wrote a beautiful tribute about my mom that we included with the tree. he is SO good at words, i won't butcher it by trying to restate it verbatim, but pretty much he said that just as she was always giving to others, we wanted to give back in her honor. the {gifts} around our tree were filled with coats, hats and gloves for children, the {stockings} were hygiene kits for children along with some fun christmas toys and candy. we asked that whoever bought our tree, continue the {giving} by passing these things along to others who could use them. not only that, but by buying our {giving} tree, they were giving back and donating a lot of money to primary children's hospital. when decorating day FINALLY arrived, i was SO excited--me, my dad and kim all got to the expo at 7 AM (that my friends is a RECORD for me to be out and about--i am NOT a morning person!) and we finished up around 2 that afternoon. i was SO happy with it-it was BEAUTIFUL (if i do say so myself ;) i just HOPED that it would sell at auction! the next night, we got to go to bid night, me, neal, my dad and kim and kaylee and mikeal all met there. our tree had SOLD!!!! we were so happy! we spent the next couple of hours browsing the other beautiful and AMAZING trees and reading the heart-wrenching stories that went along with them. i was at first filled with sadness and even despair. there was SO much loss,sadness and suffering in that one room. but then my sadness turned to hope and i remembered the whole point of the christmas season. i felt peace and comfort and i felt the TRUE christmas spirit stronger then i have in a very long time. i really needed that---i needed to get outside of myself and look around me. yes, our circumstances are sad and less then desirable. no, i would never in a million years want to go through this and lose two members of my family, BUT, why NOT us? why should we be spared the sadness and trials of this life? i know that i have learned SO much from what we have been through. i have gone through the grieving process and have come out okay, it is now my turn to take what i have learned and try to help others who are sad and lonely and who are in need of my empathy, love and support. it can ALWAYS be worse. that is the beauty of events like the festival of trees. perspective is gained, lives are changed and hope is given. we are already planning our tree for next year.

half a decade...

has passed since this lady left us here on earth. sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like years and years. time does heal all wounds though, i have learned that over these last five years. i also have learned that if you let yourself go thru the grieving process and take it step by step, you get better, you are able to move on and if you let it, the process can make you a better not bitter person. i am not saying that it hasn't been or isn't a very difficult, long road. there were times when i felt, truly felt, that i was drowning and that i would never see the light of the sun again. there were nights(and days)where i thought i would surely die from sadness and a broken heart. but with the help of an amazing dad, not to mention my husband(who has stuck by me THICK AND THIN) and most importantly with the help of a merciful, all-knowing God, i feel that i am on the upswing of this experience in my life. it's difficult to say and i think hard for others to understand, but i don't think i would go back and change anything. i wouldn't be where i am or WHO i am today without experiencing the things that i have in my life. it is amazing to me how many people i have met and encountered over the last 5 years who have or are going through something similar. i have gained tremendous strength from them and they have each been apart of my healing. i have definitely gained perspective. sometimes when life seems to be at it's very worst, i will meet someone who i would NEVER trade situations with and it humbles me and makes me so very grateful for the blessings i have. i know my mom is happy. i know she is whole. i know that she is still aware of me and that she is watching out for me and cheering me on in my victories, grieving with me in my pains and even chastising me in my mistakes and short comings (of which i have MANY). it took me a long time to realize that given the choice, SHE wouldn't come back, that she KNOWS she is where she is supposed to be. once i came to that conclusion though, i was able to gain a lot of comfort and peace. the last time i talked to her, she told me that everything would be okay. she told me to BE HAPPY. when i told her i couldn't be happy without her, she put her hand on my hand and squeezed it and said "yes you can, happiness is a choice." i now know that she is so right. we CHOOSE how we are going to be. situations arise and LIFE just HAPPENS, we really don't have much control over anything, but we can CHOOSE how we handle the things that are given to us. i am trying hard to CHOOSE HAPPINESS just like my mom told me to. so, today on the five year anniversary of her death, i am choosing to be happy, choosing to remember her and the amazing woman she was and still is and choosing to appreciate the blessings i have so abundantly in my life. love and miss you mom....

54 years young...

today is my mom's 54th birthday.

it's also the FIFTH birthday without her.

i often wonder if i will have as much impact on the world as she did,
although she was only on the earth for 49 short, short years, to us,
her family, she continues to influence us, even in death.

i find myself thinking a bit more before i act, wondering what SHE would do.
i find myself being a bit friendlier to strangers, because that IS what
SHE did.

she had a sales-lady from ZCMI (at the time) that helped her
for years, come to her funeral,that is the kind of impact she made on others.

happy birthday mom. i love you and miss you terribly.

What would I give...

To be able to talk to HER again? Just for one minute, or two or twenty ;)...Today marks four years since my mom passed away. I got a package in the mail from my dad today...in it there was a letter from him, he wanted us to know the "top ten" things he thinks our mom would say to us if we had 30 minutes with her...as I was reading through the list, I could honestly HEAR my mom speaking to my sisters and I. Time has dulled the hurt and extreme pain that I felt for so long after her death, however, there are definitely days when I miss her so much it is almost too painful to bear. I know she is with us. I know she loves us and I am positive that she misses us as much as we do her. I am glad she isn't hurting anymore or in pain. I know she is watching out for us and cheering us on. I am grateful for the days throughout the year when I can stop and think, about her, and all the things she taught me. She was one amazing woman. I'll never forget her, and if it's possible, I think I love and appreciate her more today then I did four years ago. Missing and loving you today and always Mom...

Love,
Adrian

Celebrating the day that SHE came to be...

Today is my mom's birthday. She would be 53. The hardest days for me are her birthday, my birthday and the day she passed away. Three years ago I never would have believed that time heals and that things do get better and life DOES go on. It seemed then that the extreme pain I was feeling would never subside. It does and life does go on and today I am even able to say that I am happy again. I know that my mom wants me to be happy. She was one of the happiest people I have ever known. Today I am going to go to Cafe Rio, eat a lot of chocolate and probably go spend some money on myself, all in memory of her! I love you mom and miss you everyday. Happy Birthday!

Three Years...

I can't believe it's been three years since my mom passed away. At the time, I couldn't imagine making it through to the next day let alone the first six months or the first year. But I am making it through, day by day. It has been hard, I have had some of the darkest, loneliest and saddest moments of my entire life, but I am here and I am trying to move forward. I am learning to look for the good things in my life, to find the positive around me and to realize how many, many blessings I have. I miss her so much, more than I can possibly explain. There is a permanent hole in my heart that aches on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, but I am learning how to move forward in my sadness and to perhaps help other's who are experiencing similar things. I wouldn't wish her back here in the state she was in when she died. She was so sick and her quality of life was so horrible, but selfishly, I wish she were still here for me, for my dad, for my sisters and for her grand kids whom she loved more than anything. I know she is aware of us, more so than we possibly know and I know she loves us and wants the best for us. I know she is proud of us in our triumphs, sad for us in our sorrows and that she continues to guide our lives even in her death. Today, I honor her for the women she was and still is. I honor her as a little girl who grew up with two older brothers, as a young girl who loved to dance and who adored her parents. As a high school and college student who loved my dad and waited for him while he served his mission and couldn't wait for him to get home so they could begin their lives together, as a young mom who was honestly the best someone could ask for, as an older mom who became her kids' biggest fan and cheerleader and who instilled a sense of self, love and confidence in her children that continues to sustain us to this day. As a grandma who loved her grand kids and wanted so badly to stay to watch them grow-up. I even want to remember her when she was at her sickest and was fighting so hard to be able to stay here with us, mostly, I remember her as a women of faith, courage and dignity who fought to the end but never questioned His will in all of this and who always had faith in the plan even though it wasn't the way she wanted things to be. I know she is happy and I know she loves and misses us as we do her, especially on this day. I love you Mom...

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Mother's Day...

As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself slipping back into a slump. It has happened every year for the past 3 years. This year, I decided that since I have my blog to vent with, I would try to avoid the slump and actually try to find some joy and happiness in Mother's Day. Instead of just being sad and missing my mom, I am going to try to remember the good times, the things she taught me, look forward to the future and try, TRY to even celebrate the few victories I have as a mother myself.

If there was one thing my mom taught me it was to pick my head up despite hard times and move forward with as positive of an attitude as I can. She was the ultimate optimist, even in the midst of the not so good times. This concept is sometimes hard for me as I tend to be a "glass half-empty" kind of a gal, but I am really trying to find the good in all situations and to be positive and try to focus on all of the many blessings that I have in my life.

I remember the last Mother's Day we had with my mom. It was 2005 and she was just a few weeks from passing away. We all knew it would be our last with her and in preparation for it, my dad and the doctor's put her back on steroids to try to keep her lucid so she could participate in the celebrations. We spent a quiet day going to my parents Sacrament Meeting and eating dinner and being together as a family. It was the first time in a long time that she had been to church. We bought her a bright pink shirt (her favorite color) and a linen skirt. Ashlee did up her wig and make-up and I remember thinking how beautiful she was, despite the effects of the steroids and the cancer that was engulfing her body. Going to church wore her out and she spent a lot of the afternoon sleeping. My sisters and I were at a loss as to what to give her. We realized that she was still herself and still loved the things she always had so we gave her some bath and body works stuff, a few cd's and some dvd's to help her stay entertained during the day because at this point she was bedridden. She loved it and to this day Warm Vanilla Sugar reminds me of her and that day :) She told me how much she loved me and told me to "be happy..." that is what she ALWAYS told us and even though it is hard sometimes, I am happy and I know that she is happy and wants me to be as well. It was a very difficult day, but I consider it a tender mercy that we were able to celebrate and focus on HER one more time. It is definitely a day I will never forget and as I look back now, I am filled with love and pain at the same time remembering the women who has influenced me more than anyone else. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a women as a mom and even though I miss her, I am trying, TRYING SO HARD to be more like her and to be the kind of mom to my kids that she was to me and my siblings. Those are some HUGE shoes to fill and I don't think I'll ever get there, but I am grateful for the opportunity to try.

An Unexpected Find...

So late last night I was going through my wedding file looking for my wedding certificate. Neal and I are going to Mexico in April and I need to get a new passport. As I was looking through the file, I saw a folded piece of paper. I immediately recognized the handwriting. It was a letter from my mom written to me on my wedding day, June 15, 2001! All of my cards and letters from my wedding are scrapbooked and I guess I somehow misplaced this one. It was just what I needed as I have been thinking about and missing her so much lately. It was so great. It was as if she were right there speaking to me. She talks of when she was pregnant with me and she tells me all of the things she loves about me and then gives me a bit of motherly advice on marriage and this journey called life. One sentence that really stood out to me said, "Life is a journey, the ups and downs, the joy and sadness, the accomplishments and disappointments..." So true, so true. And the ultimate decision of how we are going to react to life's events, is up to us. What a great lady that mom of mine was. Love you mom...

Five For Friday...

1. I am thankful for my education. I so did not want to finish college. But thanks to the support and encouragement of Neal and my parents, I did and I am so glad.

2. I am thankful for my mom. I love her so much and even though she is gone, I feel her influence in my life daily. She was the greatest mom who loved her kids more than anything else and would have done anything for us. I can never thank her enough for all that she taught me and sacrificed for me. 3. I am thankful for my kids. They sometimes get a bad rap (from ME!) but they are good kids and they are trying to do the right things and make good decisions. They end up teaching me a lot more then I ever teach them and I love them to pieces.

5. I am thankful for the neighborhood I live in. We were so lucky to have bought a house in such a great place. We immediately felt apart of the community and I love it here. We have the best friends and neighbors and I am so grateful for all the people who influence and teach my kids.

A Tribute

Today would have been my mom's 52nd birthday. Her birthdays are always difficult but I try to spend the day focusing on all of my memories of her. My cute dad came over and brought me a Papa Murphy's pizza, a german chocolate cake and a bag of Hershey's kisses with almonds-all of which were some of her favorite things. She was quite a lady and I miss her more then I ever thought possible but I am grateful for these days when I can think about her and remember her with a few tears and a smile.