Another year over.....

so 2010 is coming to a close. i have mixed feelings about this year, it's been a good one, we got a squishy, beautiful baby, but i feel it's been an emotional year as well. i think you always feel that way after having a baby, it's such a HUGE recovery and adjustment. emotionally, mentally and especially for me, physically---but enough about all that, maybe sometime i will find another extra 15 minutes and blog more details but for now, let's focus on the events of 2010 in the gatherum family...here are some of the highlights {for me}

*this is the first year that our house and yard really came together, we have been working NON-STOP for FIVE long years on it and i felt that it was really awesome this year--JUST in time to put it on the market---maybe we are just crazy-who knows!

*we had our 20 week ultrasound and found out that our 4th baby was healthy, thriving and growing right on track, we also decided we weren't going to find out the sex--the funny thing is, the ultrasound tech told us that the baby was being VERY generous-so we totally could have found out, for some reason, her saying that made neal and i think we were having a boy...it just added that much more to our EXTREME surprise in july!

*we commemorated the 4th anniversary of nathaniel's death and the 5th of my moms...funny how i can now put these days on the lists of "highlights" from the year-it's taken many, many years of healing and grief to be able to list these days as anything but sad, so that to me is major progress, thus making it a highlight of my year!

*we switched the kids rooms around in anticipation for #4, painted, redecorated and made them all really cute.

*we started in the hellish i mean exciting CRAZY world of competitive soccer--holy cow, i NEVER knew something could be SO time consuming. jury is still out as to whether we are going to continue with that for the time being or hold off a few years---i am STILL recovering and it starts up again in less than THREE months---the kids did great though and they improved and learned a lot!

*boe turned SIX!

*neal and i celebrated NINE years of being married! holy cow-time FLIES by, in another 9 years, gage will be SEVENTEEN!

*neal got a sweet promotion at work--i am so proud of him!

*we got the BIGGEST surprise of our lives, when on july 15th, we had a baby GIRL! i kept asking my doctor if it was really a girl and he asked me if i knew the difference between boys and girls!

*ryder turned TWO!

*neal turned 34-OLD MAN-with the GRAY hair to prove it!

*we blessed lucy

*we went to bryce canyon for a week and lake powell for another

*kaylee got MARRIED--my littlest sissie is now a married woman, it was THE most beautiful day ever!

*neal got himself neutered-i KNOW this is TMI but most of the three peeps that still read this blog are family or very close friends and they already know and they know that neal and i have a very inappropriate sense of humor...so sorry if you are a random reader and this offends you---it is AWESOME to know that we are done--LOVE having babies and LOVE my kiddos but SO happy to move onto the next chapter of our lives.

*gage turned EIGHT!

*gage was baptized!

*we celebrated lucy's first halloween {she was the CUTEST lil pumpkin you ever did see along with a perfect harry potter, a "NICE" lion and a rad hip hoppin' michael jackson}, first thanksgiving and first christmas. she pretty much slept through it all!

*i turned 33!!! the jury is still out on how i feel about that one!

and here we are on the last day of the old year. there is something about this time of year that gets me sentimental. reflecting back on events and happenings. evaluating situations and thinking about how i could have done things differently or better. all in all, i feel this was a year of self exploration, of many, many realizations and reflection. i have made many goals for the new year. sure i have the old stand-by of "getting back into shape" i have discovered that no matter how thin {or not} that i am, i ALWAYS have this goal, so it doesn't really count. i want to focus on the inside this year (although, i feel that i need to be honest and give full disclosure for a moment--i am planning on getting a rockin' bod back AND getting breast augmentation {read: boob job} this year, so i am not going to pretend to be completely... um, pure? ;) continuing on, i really want to focus on being a better person, being more patient and kind and empathetic and less judgemental. everyone has a story and sometimes finding out those stories can change perspective and opinions. speaking of opinions, i am going to try to be less opinionated too---i know this one is a STRETCH, but i'm gonna try. i said T.R.Y! i have realized that while i am trying i can always TRY harder, so i am going to. i think my number one goal for 2011 is going to be to try to live in the moment. i have a hard time with this. i have a tendency to look ahead and always plan for the next big thing, i am going to try to enjoy the little moments of life that make it real and that truly matter. i am going to try to live everyday so that if something were to happen tomorrow, i WOUlDN'T have a regret from yesterday. i hope that each one of you has a happy new year, that you look back and reflect on another year over, and a new one just begun!

THE DECK{ED} HALLS...

just a few pics of the merrimas and cheer that is decking our halls....

The Giving Tree

last year i took my kids to the festival of trees. i was overwhelmed-oh the stories that accompany each of these beautiful trees! i called my dad as soon as i got in my car and told him that i wanted to do a tree (next year which is THIS year--follow that?!) in honor of either my mom or nathaniel. he of course agreed. we began planning our tree right then and there! the first week in january, we went to the after christmas sales and bought most of the ornaments and the tree. we decided to do one for my mom first, we wanted to capture her--she loved beautiful things, her house was always amazing, especially around the holidays-we wanted to capture "that" in her tree. all i can say is, we tried! all year we would add a bit to our display and we would talk and plan---FINALLY october rolled around and we had the decorators workshop-me, my dad and kim went to it and i was SO.EXCITED! i apologize to those of you who heard me talk about it NON-STOP but it was ALL i could focus on for those last two months---we decided to name our tree {the giving tree}. my dad wrote a beautiful tribute about my mom that we included with the tree. he is SO good at words, i won't butcher it by trying to restate it verbatim, but pretty much he said that just as she was always giving to others, we wanted to give back in her honor. the {gifts} around our tree were filled with coats, hats and gloves for children, the {stockings} were hygiene kits for children along with some fun christmas toys and candy. we asked that whoever bought our tree, continue the {giving} by passing these things along to others who could use them. not only that, but by buying our {giving} tree, they were giving back and donating a lot of money to primary children's hospital. when decorating day FINALLY arrived, i was SO excited--me, my dad and kim all got to the expo at 7 AM (that my friends is a RECORD for me to be out and about--i am NOT a morning person!) and we finished up around 2 that afternoon. i was SO happy with it-it was BEAUTIFUL (if i do say so myself ;) i just HOPED that it would sell at auction! the next night, we got to go to bid night, me, neal, my dad and kim and kaylee and mikeal all met there. our tree had SOLD!!!! we were so happy! we spent the next couple of hours browsing the other beautiful and AMAZING trees and reading the heart-wrenching stories that went along with them. i was at first filled with sadness and even despair. there was SO much loss,sadness and suffering in that one room. but then my sadness turned to hope and i remembered the whole point of the christmas season. i felt peace and comfort and i felt the TRUE christmas spirit stronger then i have in a very long time. i really needed that---i needed to get outside of myself and look around me. yes, our circumstances are sad and less then desirable. no, i would never in a million years want to go through this and lose two members of my family, BUT, why NOT us? why should we be spared the sadness and trials of this life? i know that i have learned SO much from what we have been through. i have gone through the grieving process and have come out okay, it is now my turn to take what i have learned and try to help others who are sad and lonely and who are in need of my empathy, love and support. it can ALWAYS be worse. that is the beauty of events like the festival of trees. perspective is gained, lives are changed and hope is given. we are already planning our tree for next year.

To my boy...

dear gage,
what can i say to describe how i feel right now? i cannot...CANNOT believe that EIGHT years have gone by since you made me a mommy for the first time. i remember it like it was YESTERDAY. i was so.scared. SO.SCARED. to give birth. so scared to have a baby-so didn't know WHAT i was doing--i felt so unprepared to become a mom. my labor was awesome and eight hours later after 10 minutes of pushing, you were born. all 5 pounds 10 ounces of you. you came out rearing and ready to go. your eyes were open and bright, you looked like you were ready to take on the world. from the moment you were born you have never stopped. you got your first tooth at four months, crawled at five months, walked at ten months, CLIMBED out of your crib at eleven months, talked FULL sentences by the time you were one and actually TOLD me what kind of party you wanted for your second birthday. you are energetic and full of life. you are smart and funny. you are compassionate and empathetic and tolerant of others, especially me. you tell me all the time that you love me and that i am beautiful...even when i am nine months pregnan and huge or first thing in the morning---you are a sweet, sweet boy and i am so proud to be your mom. you are quick to forgive and are easily talked out of a bad mood. you want SO badly to choose the right and make good choices. i love you--always, no matter what. thank you for being my son, for teaching me SO MUCH in your short little life and for loving me no matter what.

i love you.
mommy

my three little guys...and the big one too!

here i am playing catch-up AGAIN!!! oh well, better late then never i suppose. i decided that instead of going backwards, i am just going to move forward...birthdays, christmas, new years and everything else before, after and in-between will just not get blogged this year...
my kids are all at such fun ages, there are so many things i don't want to forget about them RIGHT NOW so i thought i'd do a bit of catch-up on each of them...

GAGE----
at 7 1/2...he is in the 1st grade, has mrs. durrant whom he LOVES, is doing amazing at reading and math and generally loves school. he has lots of friends both boys and girls, though based on the love letters that get sent home to our house, i think the girls have a different idea about their friendships with gage then he does! gage started soccer up again and did AWESOME! we had him try out for a competition team and he made it! he will soon start the U8 academy with USA soccer. they will have practice twice a week for the whole summer and will then play as a team this coming fall season. it is SO fun to watch his games and he has become a very good, very aggressive (in a good way) offensive player. gage LOVES to watch tv and play video games, therefore we have to put time restrictions on these activities, otherwise, he would do them both ALL DAY LONG!!! gage loves to play outside with friends, ride bikes, run around, jump on the tramp and play on the swings. he also L.O.V.E.S. to read and will ask to stay up late reading in his bed. we recently switched the rooms up in preparation for the baby and gage now has his own room which he is very excited about. i honestly can't believe that he is almost EIGHT years old-it blows my mind. gage is a great eater and will pretty much eat anything except tomatoes. his favorite foods are pizza, cereal and sandwiches and anything i cook ;) he is learning to play chess and recently participated in a multi-school chess tournament. he would like to start tumbling lessons so he can learn to do back handsprings and flips on the tramp. the trait i most appreciate in gage is his ability to examine a situation and act accordingly. he is very sensitive to others feelings and cares about his friends and family.

Boe----
at six. boe is still my most energetic kid. he is ALWAYS happy--he is ALWAYS willing to help out and he loves to please. boe is in kindergarten and has mrs. winegar whom he loves. he has made lots of new little friends and LOVES to have playdates. he is reading so well and is working on his handwriting (poor kid got his mom and dad's genes and is LEFT-HANDED). boe has been taking violin lessons for the past 4 months and is doing awesome! i have to say, it is sometimes a challenge to teach my own child, but for the most part we get along and it works. boe has also been playing soccer again and did great this year. we signed him up for the pre-competitive academy (you have to be seven to be on the comp team) and he hopes to make the comp team next year. boe is determined and aggressive and LOVES to win. he has become an excellent dribbler this past season and loves to make break aways during games. boe is a TERRIBLE eater, something we have been working on since he was about six months old. he is getting a *little* bit better but unless dinner is VERY basic, it is a fight to get him to eat. his favorite foods are grilled cheese sandwiches, tacos, spaghetti and cereal. boe is an awesome big brother to ryder and they are best little friends. in the recent room switch, boe and ryder became roommates. they LOVE it and i often find ryder in boe's bed or vice versa in the morning. ryder is going to have withdrawals next year when boe is in school full-time. the trait i most admire in boe is his ability to ALWAYS be happy. he looks for the positive in every situation and it takes a lot to get him down. he is mine and neal's little buddy and loves to shadow us throughout the day.

Ryder----
at 23 months...holy cow!!! where does the time go??? i SWEAR i was just pregnant with this little guy and now he is walking, talking AND potty-training himself! ryder is so much fun. he is easy-going and for the most part extremely LOW matinience. he loves to play and cuddle and be held. we have affectionately referred to him as silent bob because until lately, he hasn't talked much. he does know a bunch of sign but as far as verbal skills, he was kind of lacking. the last couple of weeks however, he has become a talking machine. he says mommy, daddy, neal (which i think is hilarious), gage, boe, ellie (our dog), zep (our other dog), papa (grandpa for my dad), melmo (elmo), baby, baba, no, uh-oh, side(outside), milk, yes, see ya, bye bye, out, tub (bath-tub) and probably a few more that i can't think of. he can also sign most of these words which has been great to be able to communicate with him. neal is still ryder's most FAVORITE person in the world, he LOVES kitties and has the cutest meow ever. he loves animals and LOVES to be outside as much as possible. i cannot believe that we are just 1 month away from celebrating his SECOND birthday! i have so enjoyed having a baby in our house again. they are so loving and accepting and forgiving. i love the presence that follow ryder wherever he goes.

i am 36 weeks (and counting!!!!!) along---can't believe that my last pregnancy is almost over---while i can't say it has gone by particularly fast, i can say that i have *tried* to enjoy it---i don't know how successful i have been, this has not been an easy pregnancy, but i am so grateful for the opportunity to have children---since i have been feeling better the last few months, i have started to really look forward to having this baby. secretly i think it *might* be a girl, but then i just don't think that is really possible so i am planning on a boy and i have to say that i am totally happy with that if that is indeed the final outcome. i mean, come on, four cute little boys who LOVE their mommy---what more could i want or ask for---we have an induction date set for July 15th so we are just 4 SHORT weeks away from finding out what this little person is. we have a cute boy name but we are EMPTY in the girl name department...

neal is still super busy--i have no idea how he handles all the balls he has up in the air at any given time, but somehow he always does and always ends up doing amazing at everything--he is my hero. he was recently promoted at work and now holds the title of SALES MANAGER for the LAMAR office in Salt Lake! this is a huge opportunity for him and he is doing great at it. with the promotion comes a lot of added time and stress, but i don't know anyone else who can handle stress as well as him. he NEVER (well, RARELY) takes it out on me and the kids, he leaves work at work and comes home to us and is the biggest help to me. there is no way i could have made it through the first 4 months of this pregnancy without him. he picked up all of my slack and then some and helped keep everything running smoothly. he's the best. he recently went through a mid-life crisis and bought himself a motorcycle. i am still on the fence on this one. i have been SO against it for so long, but he has wanted one for FOREVER and you know, who am i to squash his dreams--so after much um debating and discussion, we were able to come to a compromise that we were both happy with and voila! neal is now the *PROUD* owner of a Suzuki Boulevard. ask him about it next time you see him, he is practically GIDDY and for a fairly emotion free guy, that's saying A LOT!!! today is our NINE year anniversary! can't believe how the time flies by. we have had our ups and downs, some of them caused by circumstances out of our control and some caused by mistakes that we have made, i hope that at the end of it all, these hills and valleys have made us stronger then we were when we started out on this journey. i KNOW that there isn't anyone else i would rather be on this trip with. love ya sweetcakes.

well, now that this sounds like a chrismas card letter or something, i feel pretty caught up on our lives. i am very happy where we are. i am LOVING life in my thirties and i can't wait to see what the next THIRTY TWO years have in store for us---BRING IT ON!!!

It's A Beautiful Day...

ok, i am sooo-o behind on blogging. how behind you ask? well,,,,neal turned 33 in august and i haven't posted about it yet...i've had another birthday, christmas and new years are OVER, ryder is 18 months old, winter is on it's way out the door (GOOD RIDDANCE) and SPRING IS SPRINGING (hopefully). valentines has come and gone (it was a great one this year), i have passed the HALF WAY mark on my pregnancy YIPPEEEEE!!! and lot's of other fun day to day things have happened and not a ONE of them has motivated me to blog.
so, you are probably wondering (i KNOW YOU ARE!!!) what in the world motivated her today to post an update????
waiting on pins and needles aren't ya?
well, let's just say today i am the proud owner of TWO VERY GOOD SEATS TO....U2 on June 3!!!!!!! can't wait! i have seen them EVERYTIME they have come to Utah since i was like 15...i COULD NOT pass them up this time..(EVEN though i am going to be a VERY HUGE 9 months pregnant!) seriously it's a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!!

ps
PROMISE i am planning all sorts of updates SOON...miss you ALL!

MIA

POST EDIT: k, i wrote this months ago, i wasn't going to publish and did not at the time, however, this blog is like a journal for me and i wanted to at least document my feelings. they were VERY real at the time, now with only five short weeks left, i realize how fast time goes by and what was SO BAD at the time, doesn't seem like that now. anyways, i did want to portray an accurate account of my pregnancy so i decided to publish this today 6/8/10 just FIVE weeks before i am DUE!!! YIPEE!!!

*warning: read at your OWN risk* may contain complaining, rambling and lots of randomness...if you contiue on, you HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

i am such a slacker...i don't mean to be, i am just in a BLAH state right now. Christmas was....Christmas. isn't that awful? usually i LOVE Christmas, but not so much this year. i literally finished my shopping on December 23rd, i finished, no scratch that, started my wrapping on christmas eve. i couldn't WAIT for the 25th to be over so i could start taking down my stuff. it's a sad, sad state that i am in mentally---the good news is, it's a NEW year and hopefully *fingers crossed* i can start over. my house has been nothing less than deplorable...i think i have finally caved and i am going to hire some housecleaning help...*sigh* i (and i am NOT putting ANYONE down who has housecleaners, my mother had them for years and some of the BEST ladies i know have them) feel like a failure because i CANNOT keep things up. i could give myself the excuse that i am pregnant and have felt like absolute crap...i threw up 9 times in one day...FINALLY called my doctor and within 20 minutes had a RX for Zofran in my hands. that stuff is from the gods i tell you. it literally saved my life and the lives of my three children and husband. bless them all. i have been a BEAST to live with, so much so in fact that i am pretty sure neal is SO questioning his decision to even have a FOURTH baby with me, probably questioning his decision to marry and pro-create with me. Period. which brings me back to this fourth little creature inside of me. i wanted this baby SO bad. after i had ryder, (even though for NINE LONG MONTHS i told myself i was DONE) i knew i was NOT DONE. the moment he was born, i KNEW. i knew there was one more. i FOUGHT it, so hard. the funny thing is, neal knew too. so for the next year we talked about it, we debated it, we went back and forth about it, we even argued about it from time to time, but in the end, we both felt good about it and thus baby number 4. as soon as i got pregnant, i was sick. not just kind of sick-i was
S-I-C-K-sometimes i couldn't get up in the mornings, i was so incredibly nauseaus it made me dizzy. i would go two weeks in a row where i couldn't imagine making it through this experience alive and then BAM, the sickness was gone...i'd have two or three good days and BAM-it was back. it sucked so bad. FINALLY around week 12, it started to slowly dissipate and KNOCK on WOOD--it's stayed gone and i feel fairly good. REALLY tired and still pretty darn grumpy, but i can function and i haven't vomited in over 2 weeks-this i can definitely handle! anyways, i know i am done after this baby. i am totally at peace with that decision. i felt that way as soon as i got pregnant and i have to say, it's what i have been searching for since i began my journey into motherhood. i always just wanted to KNOW that i was done, and i can honestly say that i know now. the only thing worse (for me) than being pregnant and having three kids depending on me, would be being pregnant with FOUR kids depending on me! i am trying to enjoy this last foray into motherhood, i feel like i have generated all this hype about it being my last and yadda yadda yadda that now i am afraid i am going to have a major let down. oh well, what do you do? i am truly blessed to have been able to have as many children as i want, when i want them, i have never had to go month after month after month WONDERING when and if it will happen. i am so grateful for that. my goal as of this moment is to enjoy it all, even if the sickness comes back, enjoy it, enjoy my kids even when they are fighting, enjoy my house even when it is a filthy nasty mess, enjoy neal even when he drives me crazy. i guess my word of 2010 is going to be joy...i am sure you will all feel an immense amount of JOY to know that this post is done...*this is me* this is how i feel* this is ACTUALLY a GOOD picture of me these days* so.sad*

Mother's Day...

Sooooo, I know Mother's Day was a LONG time ago...I am catching up...This was by far the BEST Mother's Day I have had since my mom died. Usually, I am super emotional and depressed the week before and on the actual day. I was still emotional and sad, it is hard to have a day meant to specifically celebrate someone that is no longer here to celebrate, but I decided that I was going to focus on happy thoughts and realize how blessed I am...to have had such an incredible mom and to be able to to a mom to 3 incredible children. It was a great day.

Plus, I was SUPER SPOILED with Mom"mish" gifts...a brand new RED extra deep crockpot, a SEWING machine so I can finally learn to sew and make some REALLY cute pillows for my house (thanks Kim...)some cute shoes and some clothes. A perfect day...

Salt Lake City Half-Marathon...

4.18.09

*Blogger SUCKS! and won't let me turn my pics around, thus the crooked pictures. I'll keep playing with it and see if I can fix it...*

I must have been DRUNK when I signed up for the race. I was super scared/excited that morning as we (Me and friends Marti and Mindie, plus a friend of Marti's) left my house at 5:30 in AM to head downtown to the Gateway. In typical ADRIAN THOMAS GATHERUM fashion, we were LATE and ended up getting up to the start line 13 minutes past the start time! It didn't really matter though because your chip is activated once you cross the start line. Mindie and I started off at a really good clip, we ran the first 5 miles at about an 8:30 minute mile. I had hurt my ankle a few weeks prior and at this point I knew there was no way I could continue on at that pace for the next 8 miles, so Mindie went on ahead and I slowed down to about a 10 minute mile. Anyways to make a very long story short, it was the HARDEST thing I have done physically, WAAAAAAY harder than natural childbirth in my opinion. I thought I was going to die-literally. There were so many times when I wanted to call Neal and have him come get me (he and the kids were waiting at the finish line-how great is that???) but I kept going, I played all sorts of mind games with myself. I had 13 jolly ranchers in my pocket and ate one per mile, I would look ahead and set goals for myself that if I got to a particular marker, I could have a power goo etc. I also imagined how awesome it would be to see my cute little family at the finish line. I started crying when Neal called out to me right before I crossed the finish line! I was so happy to see them! I ended up finishing my first race ever in just over 2:18-my goal was 2:11 so I was a bit disappointed to not have finished it as fast as I wanted to. I have already signed up for my next 1/2 marathon in August. It's the Top of Utah half in Logan and I am hoping to run it in 2:00 or less. It turns out that my ankle was sprained, I had to rest it for 2 weeks after the 1/2 and now it's as good as new. I've been working on my time and I have shaved my mile down to about an 8:30 on a regular basis. I am super proud of myself. Can't wait for the Wasatch Back in just 3 weeks!

It's time to come out of the closet...

We (Neal and I) are leaving for CANCUN tomorrow! Can't wait to get out of this nasty weather. When we return, I am going to be making my blog private. Sooooo, if you would like to still view our blog, please leave me your email address...EVEN if you are a blurker, I myself am a blurker and I am totally fine granting access to blurkers, I just want to know WHO is looking at my blog, hence why I am going private. Hope you all have a lovely week and I'll see you when we return...

Reflections

I have been thinking a lot lately about life, about who I am as a person and just about a bunch of stuff in general. Let me start off by saying that this is probably gonna be lllloooonnnggg, so if you don't want to continue on, feel free to stop reading now. This is my journal of sorts and I do much better at typing out a journal these days then by sitting down and writing in one. So here goes.

I have a dear friend who lost her mom to cancer on the day that Ryder was born. Each month that goes by, I remember that Ryder is getting bigger and it's another month that has passed since my friend's mom left the earth. What a perfect example of the circle of life. As I was welcoming a new life into this world, a wonderful family was saying good-bye to their mom as she left this world for another. I get chills every time I think of it.

I have always thought that birth and death were very similar, but I had never experienced watching someone die until I watched my mom pass away. A little over three years later, I gave birth to my first baby since her passing. As I was in labor and awaiting the birth of my new little baby, I finally was able to connect the two life/death events that we go through on this earth. As I was waiting to welcome my little Ryder, I believe that others were getting ready to say good-bye to him for a time,(I especially like to think that my mom and brother were waiting with him until it was his turn). As my friend and her family were bidding a sorrowful good-bye to their mom, other's were anxiously awaiting her return to the other side. I am not trying to simplify the pain and grief that goes with losing one's mother or anyone we love for that matter. Believe me I know that there is no way to explain the hurt and ache that accompanies the loss of a loved one. It is an ache and a loss that is so profound that I cannot explain it with words, however, if I can take a step back and look at the big picture and connect that two events together, it really helps me to understand and perhaps even accept the sorrows of this earth.

Another friend from high school lost her mom our junior year. She and I have reconnected on face book(gotta love the good ol' FB!) and she found out that I had lost my mom. She wrote me the nicest message and recommended that I read a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edeleman. I checked it out and just finished reading it and it was a great book. For the first time since my mom died, I felt fully validated. I realized that ALL the things I was feeling and going through were normal and not only normal but that I HAD to go through these feelings in order for me to move on and get past my mom's death and the loss of losing my mother. Hope Edelman lost her mother when she was 17 years old. She said she looked for years for a book explaining the impact that a mother's loss has on her daughter and couldn't find one so she wrote it herself. She interviewed hundreds of women across the US who had lost their mothers and found that regardless of the circumstances surrounding the mother's death, all motherless daughters go through the same feelings of helplessness, grief and feeling lost. As I read about other women who had lost their mothers and how they felt and even ways they reacted to the loss, I FINALLY realized after FOUR years that I was normal, that I was okay in my actions and feelings that that most importantly, I was not alone.

Losing my mom is a part of who I am. It is as much a part of me as is the fact that I have blond hair and brown eyes, as much a part of me as my hand is as much a part of me as my personality is, it is part of who makes me, me. I am definitely a different person since my mom's diagnosis and subsequent death. I don't know how you can lose someone who is apart of you and not change. Since I was 15 years old and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I felt different and like I didn't quite fit in with everyone else. When my mom died, that isolation grew and even though I have the GREATEST friends and family in the world, I felt alone and like I didn't have a place. (Please know that I am not putting any blame on anyone other then me. I felt like an outsider because I made myself an outsider, not because of ANYTHING ANYONE did or did not do) I had more support, love and service done to me during this time then at any other point in my life, but I felt so alone. I now realize that that is totally normal and that it is OKAY that my mom's death helps to define who I am as a person. My challenge now is to not let it be the ONLY thing that defines me. I have to try everyday to not be angry or sad or bitter.

I have to remember the good and look back and see the Lord's hand so prevalent in my life. I know that during these most difficult times in my life that He truly carried me, I know this because if He wouldn't have been carrying me, I would have fallen. I could not have gotten up on my own. I also know that without my friends and my family, especially Neal, I NEVER would have gotten through this dark, lonely, horrible time. During the summer of 2007, I was in such a dark, lonely and scary place, that I sometimes look back and wonder how I got out of it and WHY Neal didn't leave me ;) but you know, I am grateful that I went through that time. I am thankful that there was a time of such immense darkness that now I am so incredibly grateful for the light I see on most days.

These are just a few of my random thoughts. I wanted to write them down and even share them with all of you. I have learned something from each of you who read my blog and who's blogs I read. I am seriously so thankful for all of you and the influence you have had on me. Via blogging, I have met so many people that I wouldn't have otherwise. One of my BLENDS (blogging friends) lost not only her mom but also a sister. How ironic is that? Do you know how much strength and support I get from her and reading her blog? I have several friends who have lost their mom's as well and it's so refreshing to be able to talk to someone who you KNOW understands EXACTLY what you are saying. I have so many friends who have such a great perspective on life and who have gone through some incredible trials that I would NEVER want and they help remind me that it could always be worse and we all have things that we need and can handle.

Thanks for reading (if anyone is still here :) Thanks for your friendship and support. I truly appreciate it and it helps to make me who I am.

Public Service Announcement...

Soooo, when we bought this house, there was a major misunderstanding with the stove. Suffice it to say, I didn't want their old nasty stove, but apparently it was listed as being "included" on the MLS and we paid them what they were asking for the house and then some, so legally, they either had to "buy" the stove from us or leave it. They left it. Since then, I have been conveting other, beautiful new stoves, so much so that I haven't really taken the time to properly care for and maintain this stove.

This is strange in that I am a total CLEAN FREAK. Obsessively so, but when it has come to this stove, I just felt bitter. Anyways, last week, I'd had enough. I bought some "EASY OFF" industrial strength stuff and went to work...well, let me let these pictures speak for themselves...I followed all the instructions. I wore those cute plastic yellow gloves that I remember my mom wearing when she'd clean the toilets, I was very careful to not get any on my skin etc. As I was cleaning out the gunk, Boe spilled his milk (ofcourse he did, this is a multipletimesadayoccurance at our house :) and I took the gloves off to clean up the milk. When I was finished, I put them back on.

APPARENTLY a small speck of cleaner made it's way on the INSIDE of my glove...this is the result...I am not kidding. Holy cow people, this stuff BURNED off the first layer of my skin AND the worst thing about it is that I didn't EVEN feel it until it was already burning through the skin. It felt like I had just gotten bit by a mesquito of something. CRAZY!
I called Poison Control and they told me that they have tried for years to get this stuff taken off the market. She told me that if she were me and had small children in her home, she'd THROW the stuff away and only buy it when needed. She also said that if this crap is ingested, it is EXTREMELY serious and can and has in fact been lethal. LETHAL. So, I am doing just that. It's not worth $4 to keep this stuff in my house. Bye Bye Easy Off.
The one bright spot of the event is that my oven looks BRAND NEW! I may even be able to stand it for a bit longer until I can get my beautiful stainless steel DOUBLE OVEN that I am drooling over :)

A Great Day...

Thanks Neal, Gage, Boe and yes, even little Ryder for a wonderful Birthday. The four of you make my life great and I love you all!

THREE DAYS...

is how long it's been since I've had caffine. I am not gonna lie. I. AM. DYING. I am tired and I have a headache and I am dragging. I do believe I am addicted to the stuff. I had to literally FORCE myself away from Holiday Oil today. Sad.

Thankful for...

His birth and all it promises us. This year, more then ever, I am looking forward to the holiday season and the peace and comfort it brings to the world as we remember and celebrate the single most important event in history.

Thankful for...

family. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better one. Wouldn't want to be on this journey without any of these seven. Love you all...

Thankful For...

these four. I don't know what I'd do without them. In these times of economic strife, uncertainly, war, turmoil and sadness, it is easy to forget about ALL THE GOOD that still exists in our world. Love you...

Picture Tag...

My cute friend Tammy tagged me. I am so very behind in blogging land, but here is what I am supposed to do. Find the 6th photo in the 6th file in my picture records and post it, so here it is:



Oh Boy. This was taken on July 27, 2008 just as we were leaving for the hospital to be induced with Ryder. Oh my hell. I. Look. Huge. Huge. Yuck! Have I mentioned how glad I am to not be pregnant anymore? There you have it. I tag: Mandy, Kami, Becky, Lisa, Jordan and Marti. And anyone else who wants to play...

The Real Me II

So as most of you know, I am a pretty "real" person. What you see is what you get, for the most part. I love blogging, I really do. However, I sometimes feel that we only show our pretty sides. I have found myself doing that lately. Posting about the fun activities we do, only showing the fun, smiling photos and leaving out some of the "realness" that is me and my life. I thought I'd share 10 things about "the real me" with ugly photos to accompany the list. Here it goes:


1. Boe reminds me regularly that my tummy looks like I am growing another baby in it. Yes folks, I have MASTERED the muffin top. (Picture will be coming)



2. I get annoyed at my kids really easily. I like things to go the way I want them to and I am super impatient when they don't. See this picture? Yeah, I am mad because Boe isn't cooperating with me and he isn't sitting still to produce a wonderful, smiley, aren't we the cutest mother and son combo, photo. Sadly, this is how I look the majority of my life with my kids.

3. I have an over-eating problem. I have a confession I'd like to make. Last Sunday I made a 9x13 pan of pumpkin cake. After family home evening treats, there was approximately 3/4 of the pan left. Neal left out of town for the week on Tuesday and when he left there was over a half of a pan left. When he came home on Saturday, the pan was empty, washed and put away. My kids don't like pumpkin cake. 'Nuff said. (Note that this is not a pic of me eating the pumpkin cake, it is however a picture of me eating like my 15th cookie...in one sitting)

4. My feet are disgusting. I don't have time to do pedicures on myself anymore and I can't seem to find time to go have someone else do them for me. Truth be told, I don't really care that much. Apparently I need to. My sisters, dad and husband have all commented on the state of my feet in the last few weeks. I don't really thing they are THAT bad are they?!?!

5. It is 11:00 AM and I am still in my pajamas. The house is not picked up and my to-do list is off the charts, but I am sitting here blogging away. Unless I have to teach, this is how most of my mornings are. I have a VERY tough time getting going in the mornings. Always have.

6. I only post pictures that are flattering of me. If Neal looks weird or one of the kids doesn't look very cute but I am looking great, I am going to post that picture. If everyone else looks awesome but I look less then stellar, I won't post it. Very vain I know. So, I am going to post a very unflattering picture of me while the rest of my little family looks cute-click on it to see just how cute I am!


7. I LOVE reality T.V. Especially the trashy series on MTV and VH1. I am talking Rock of Love (love Bret Micheals :), Next, Date My Mom and Parental Control to name a few. I also like all the regulars, The Biggest Loser, Survivor, How to Catch a Predator etc.

8. My car is ALWAYS a mess. ALWAYS. Here it is in it's current state in all it's glory. (Incidentally, I totally forgot about this post and the fact I needed a picture of my nasty car and I caved this morning and cleaned it out. Don't worry, I'll post a pic in 3 days when it's trashed again)

9. I care what other people think about me. I try not to and I don't let it control my life, but at the end of the day, I care if someone sees my house messy or if I run into someone when I am in my pj's or if my kids are out of control in public. There, I said it. Wow, I feel better :P.

10. I drink at LEAST 44 ounces of Diet Pepsi every day. Really. While I was pregnant, I tried to cut back and did a fairly good job but as soon as I could, I started drinking it again. I am ADDICTED and I honestly can't start my day without an ice-cold 44 ouncer from the local Maverick. Actually, I had to switch to Holiday because Maverick got rid of their cherry syrup that you can add to your drink. Here is my routine, I get my cup, fill it 1/4 full of ice, add 6 squirts of cherry syrup, fill the cup half full, add 3 more squirts, fill it up to the top and add 3 more squirts. DELICIOUS!

Okay, there we go. Ten things about me that are really REAL. Feel free to play along. Show all of us the REAL you!