MIA

POST EDIT: k, i wrote this months ago, i wasn't going to publish and did not at the time, however, this blog is like a journal for me and i wanted to at least document my feelings. they were VERY real at the time, now with only five short weeks left, i realize how fast time goes by and what was SO BAD at the time, doesn't seem like that now. anyways, i did want to portray an accurate account of my pregnancy so i decided to publish this today 6/8/10 just FIVE weeks before i am DUE!!! YIPEE!!!

*warning: read at your OWN risk* may contain complaining, rambling and lots of randomness...if you contiue on, you HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

i am such a slacker...i don't mean to be, i am just in a BLAH state right now. Christmas was....Christmas. isn't that awful? usually i LOVE Christmas, but not so much this year. i literally finished my shopping on December 23rd, i finished, no scratch that, started my wrapping on christmas eve. i couldn't WAIT for the 25th to be over so i could start taking down my stuff. it's a sad, sad state that i am in mentally---the good news is, it's a NEW year and hopefully *fingers crossed* i can start over. my house has been nothing less than deplorable...i think i have finally caved and i am going to hire some housecleaning help...*sigh* i (and i am NOT putting ANYONE down who has housecleaners, my mother had them for years and some of the BEST ladies i know have them) feel like a failure because i CANNOT keep things up. i could give myself the excuse that i am pregnant and have felt like absolute crap...i threw up 9 times in one day...FINALLY called my doctor and within 20 minutes had a RX for Zofran in my hands. that stuff is from the gods i tell you. it literally saved my life and the lives of my three children and husband. bless them all. i have been a BEAST to live with, so much so in fact that i am pretty sure neal is SO questioning his decision to even have a FOURTH baby with me, probably questioning his decision to marry and pro-create with me. Period. which brings me back to this fourth little creature inside of me. i wanted this baby SO bad. after i had ryder, (even though for NINE LONG MONTHS i told myself i was DONE) i knew i was NOT DONE. the moment he was born, i KNEW. i knew there was one more. i FOUGHT it, so hard. the funny thing is, neal knew too. so for the next year we talked about it, we debated it, we went back and forth about it, we even argued about it from time to time, but in the end, we both felt good about it and thus baby number 4. as soon as i got pregnant, i was sick. not just kind of sick-i was
S-I-C-K-sometimes i couldn't get up in the mornings, i was so incredibly nauseaus it made me dizzy. i would go two weeks in a row where i couldn't imagine making it through this experience alive and then BAM, the sickness was gone...i'd have two or three good days and BAM-it was back. it sucked so bad. FINALLY around week 12, it started to slowly dissipate and KNOCK on WOOD--it's stayed gone and i feel fairly good. REALLY tired and still pretty darn grumpy, but i can function and i haven't vomited in over 2 weeks-this i can definitely handle! anyways, i know i am done after this baby. i am totally at peace with that decision. i felt that way as soon as i got pregnant and i have to say, it's what i have been searching for since i began my journey into motherhood. i always just wanted to KNOW that i was done, and i can honestly say that i know now. the only thing worse (for me) than being pregnant and having three kids depending on me, would be being pregnant with FOUR kids depending on me! i am trying to enjoy this last foray into motherhood, i feel like i have generated all this hype about it being my last and yadda yadda yadda that now i am afraid i am going to have a major let down. oh well, what do you do? i am truly blessed to have been able to have as many children as i want, when i want them, i have never had to go month after month after month WONDERING when and if it will happen. i am so grateful for that. my goal as of this moment is to enjoy it all, even if the sickness comes back, enjoy it, enjoy my kids even when they are fighting, enjoy my house even when it is a filthy nasty mess, enjoy neal even when he drives me crazy. i guess my word of 2010 is going to be joy...i am sure you will all feel an immense amount of JOY to know that this post is done...*this is me* this is how i feel* this is ACTUALLY a GOOD picture of me these days* so.sad*